Let's Get Quizzical : Understanding Stephen Harper
Wed, October 3, 2012 at 11:04 PM 
Does he really hate me, or does he just think I'm stupid? ALMOST SEVEN YEARS after his first victory, Stephen Harper remains for many a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a cold and calculating exoskeleton. But is there a method to his badness madness? To help make sense of it all, zlog has courageously peered into the interstellar depths of the prime minister’s soul, and is pleased to report its findings here, in quiz form. Fun!
Note: this quiz has been reduced to 5 questions from its original 183.
QUESTION 1 : The Conservatives’ next budget will contain pages and pages of unpalatable nonsense, as is their wont. It will also contain a decent idea for MP pension reform. When the opposition parties vote against the bill due to pages and pages of unpalatable nonsense, the Conservatives will pretend the Liberals and NDP oppose MP pension reform. This is because:
a) It’s completely logical that MP pension reform would be in a single budget bill along with stuff like weaker environmental standards for pipelines. If you oppose one, you must oppose the other. That just makes a ton of sense.
b) Omnibus bills, though they may bitch-slap democracy in the face, are a necessary time-saving tool so Conservatives may tend to other important business.
Oversized logo cheques can't hand themselves out.
c) The Liberals and NDP actually do oppose MP pension reform as part of a joint electoral suicide pact.
d) Stephen Harper knows the Liberals and NDP don’t oppose pension reform, but he will say so anyway, because he thinks we’re all idiots.
N.B. In fairness, there is a well-documented legislative tradition of combining unrelated provisions in a bill:
**Please see update below**
QUESTION 2 : Since the return of Parliament, Conservatives have incessantly warned that the NDP wants a carbon tax, even though the NDP favours a a cap-and-trade system, not a carbon tax. This is because:
a) Studies show that if you repeat something you made up often and loudly enough, it becomes true.
b) Stephen Harper is engaging in a postmodern meta-critique of political discourse in which he attempts to lay bare its inherent absurdity by becoming ever more absurd.
c) Conservatives are skeptical not only of climate change, but of all factual information.
d) They are lying and think we’re all idiots.
QUESTION 3 : In 2008, the Conservatives went on record to support cap-and-trade, but today they aggressively vilify it (when they’re not pretending it’s a carbon tax). This is because:
a) At the time, the Conservatives thought “emissions trading” referred to fart competitions, a favourite pastime at caucus retreats.
d) After carefully studying new evidence and consulting with experts, Stephen Harper’s position evolved logically and rationally. Please stop laughing.
c) C’mon man, it was Obama-mania. We all said some crazy shit back then.
d) Stephen Harper doesn’t expect us to remember or look up what he said in 2008 because he thinks we’re all idiots.
QUESTION 4 : In 2011, the House of Commons expressed its loss of confidence in the government by voting to find it in contempt of Parliament, a first in the history of Westminster-style parliaments. Yet during the ensuing campaign, the government insisted it had been defeated on a budget vote despite the fact said vote had never occurred. This is because
a) Like much of their legislation, the coming budget bill was so contemptuous that most Conservatives simply forgot which specific policy led to a contempt motion
b) Many Conservatives take great pride in their contempt for Parliament, and thus believed the contempt motion was meant to be a compliment.
c) It’s difficult to remember which vote was about what when your principal role is standing up and barking like a trained seal.
d) Stephen Harper assumes you don’t care if he’s in contempt of parliament or invents reasons for his defeat. You see, he thinks we’re all idiots.
QUESTION 5 : In 2008, the Liberals and NDP formally agreed to form a coalition government should Stephen Harper’s minority lose the confidence of the House almost immediately following an election. The aspiring coalition also received assurance the Bloc Québécois would, for a time, support major bills - crucial, as the two-party coalition did not have a majority of seats. The idea, legitimate under our parliamentary system, was possible given the results of the election. Yet Conservatives cawed that it “overturned” the results of the election, a dastardly “coup.” Also, they seemed to think there were three parties in the coalition. This is because:
a) Most Conservatives skipped the 8th grade civics class how the House of Commons works.
b) Many Conservatives have avoided learning the difference between the number 2 and the number 3, because numbers sound like math, which sounds like science, which must be destroyed.
c) The man in this picture is not Stephen Harper - it was nefarious clone from some hellish parallel dimension, who had cleverly shaved his evil-twin goatee.
This ring a bell? 2004? Ready to replace a Liberal minority. Really, nothing? Musn't have been you, then.
d) Stephen Harper assumes Canadians, a majority of whom he regards as idiots, don’t care about the rules and traditions of Parliament any more than they care about the rules and traditions of Buzkashi.*
* Apologies to Buzkashi enthusiasts. May you carry many headless goat carcasses into the Circle of Justice.
ANSWER KEY
1 : d
2 : d
3 : d
4 : d
5 : d
ANALYSE YOUR SCORE
5 correct : It’s fuckin nuts, right?
4 correct : Congrats - you are catching on. Indeed, you are likely not an idiot. You may be Stephen Harper’s worst nightmare (aside from the one where Fidel Castro holds him down while Karl Marx force-feeds him a joint).
3 correct : Not bad. You clearly tend toward not being an idiot. Keep at it, and you’ll soon see exactly what’s going on.
2 correct : You don’t dislike Stephen Harper; you may have voted for him. But you’re beginning to realise something doesn’t sit right. Follow that instinct, Encyclopedia Brown.
1 correct : You are a staunch and perhaps long-time Conservative supporter, but there is a ray of hope. Think of John A. Think of Borden. Think of Dief, Stanfield, Clark, Mulroney. Harper is different.
0 correct : You are a Conservative staffer trolling the internet for dissent, ready to spew whatever patently ridiculous talking points landed in your inbox this morning. Sadly, you are a lost cause. Be gone, knave.
UPDATE: Question 1 was the only prediction and I got it wrong. The Conservatives acepted a Liberal motion to remove the pension reform from te omnibus bill and vote on it separately. I'm inclined to think something even more sinister is afoot, but I was wrong about this so what do I know.
Reader Comments (3)
I tend to be very respectful of my political opponents, so I don't really agree with the "we are all idiots for the Conservatives thing", however, I do agree that Stephen Harper's omnibus bill and his attack in the back of the 2008 coalition (especially the later, to be honest) were things he done which made me unable to vote for him for all eternity or unless I forget those attacks on how I think should work a democracy.
I was writing this reply, however, to wonder if some questions were not of multiple choice, because I think many would work like that. It is indeed sad to see some of my friends attracted by the fiscal conservative agenda of the conservatives and accepting so large contempt on our democratic institutions.
Major mistake to label Harper a conservative. He is not. He is a reactionary. I'm a lefty who misses what genuine conservatives have to offer. It is valuable.
Thank you both for your comments.
Simon, indeed multiple answers probably applied on most questions. For the record, I was really trying not to be too mean or disrespectful. I use "many" and "most," for instance, because I know there are a lot of good Con MPs too. But the gripe comes from a very real place - when they say or do certain things, I truly feel like I am being treated like an idiot. Thanks again for the feedback, PZ.
Senseinai, whatever Harper is he has certainly abandoned the tradition of progressive conservatism that had existed in Canada since John A. You're right that we have lost something valuable because of it...but perhaps not forever. PZ.